Have you ever come to the point where you realize that you have an absolute hatred for yourself?
You see, today there was rough weather in our area, and our school had to go into a duck and cover drill. I was crying (Partly because of the storm, partly because I was abandoned, and partly because I was embarrassed... from crying..) which was totally over exaggerated and unnecessary response - I know. Then, when I came home, my mother scolded me for "being panicked in an emergency situation." And told me that I should choose NOT to cry next time. (usually I decide not to cry.. but my body decides something different.)
So anyways, tonight I was talking on the phone with my friend as usual, and I was kind of venting all my frustrations. He told me that being afraid of the weather was silly (which, although true, is not the thing you say to someone who's upset!!) and that I needed to stop worrying. And then he paused for a while, and said something that really got me thinking. You are the only one who can help yourself.
So see, now I have to give you some background. I have issues with anxiety. I'm always anxious and worrying about whether I'm reacting right, or whether people like me, ect. ect. I usually tell this friend, and he usually yells at me and tells me that I'm just causing unnecessary stress and pressure on myself. But today I finally realized that I am the one who is going to have to get me out of this. I am the one who has to decide to stop caring about what some dumb-ass ninth grader with no life other than criticizing crying teenage girls has to think. I have to decide to stop being so perfectionistic. I have to decide, essentially, to change myself.
And at this realization, I came to another. I absolutely hate myself. Absolutely. With a burning passion. There's not one part of my personality that I like. I often lay in bed going through my day and thinking about all the stupid, dumb, immature things I did. Things that don't even matter. I wish I could be a completely different person. Someone who was completely cool in the face of everything. Someone fearless. Someone hot and sexy. Someone who made everyone else laugh (not because of their awkwardness, but because of their actual funniness). And lastly, someone that would never disappoint anyone else.
So now what? What am I to do with this realization?
(P.S. Shoutout to Sam!! Super cool guy right there (: )
