Hate

Have you ever come to the point where you realize that you have an absolute hatred for yourself?

You see, today there was rough weather in our area, and our school had to go into a duck and cover drill. I was crying (Partly because of the storm, partly because I was abandoned, and partly because I was embarrassed... from crying..) which was totally over exaggerated and unnecessary response - I know. Then, when I came home, my mother scolded me for "being panicked in an emergency situation." And told me that I should choose NOT to cry next time. (usually I decide not to cry.. but my body decides something different.)

So anyways, tonight I was talking on the phone with my friend as usual, and I was kind of venting all my frustrations. He told me that being afraid of the weather was silly (which, although true, is not the thing you say to someone who's upset!!) and that I needed to stop worrying. And then he paused for a while, and said something that really got me thinking. You are the only one who can help yourself.


So see, now I have to give you some background. I have issues with anxiety. I'm always anxious and worrying about whether I'm reacting right, or whether people like me, ect. ect. I usually tell this friend, and he usually yells at me and tells me that I'm just causing unnecessary stress and pressure on myself. But today I finally realized that I am the one who is going to have to get me out of this. I am the one who has to decide to stop caring about what some dumb-ass ninth grader with no life other than criticizing crying teenage girls has to think. I have to decide to stop being so perfectionistic. I have to decide, essentially, to change myself.

And at this realization, I came to another. I absolutely hate myself. Absolutely. With a burning passion. There's not one part of my personality that I like. I often lay in bed going through my day and thinking about all the stupid, dumb, immature things I did. Things that don't even matter. I wish I could be a completely different person. Someone who was completely cool in the face of everything. Someone fearless. Someone hot and sexy. Someone who made everyone else laugh (not because of their awkwardness, but because of their actual funniness). And lastly, someone that would never disappoint anyone else.

So now what? What am I to do with this realization?

(P.S. Shoutout to Sam!! Super cool guy right there (: )

Debating My Future

Dear blog readers and followers,

I am debating the future of my writing, and the future of my blog.

I feel as if honestly I am meant to blog. I feel like I have great voice and great opinions on things, and that people would like to read what I write. The only problem is finding people who want to read my blog... who will read my blog... and will comment on my blog. I feel as if I have none of the above right now.

So I do, however, have a solution to this problem.
Start a new blog. Yup. Start over fresh and clean.

However, if I do this, there are some rules.

1. Have a backlog of 6 posts (so that you can automatically post something if you need a quickie.)
2. Tell people I know. I realize that lots of people will not be interested, will be haters, ect. But I think that this is ultimately a great opportunity.
3. Keep this blog. This blog is sort of like a public journal (only not so public.) No one I know reads this consistently, most of you who DO read this don't comment. I only have 9 followers. I feel that this is a great place to be completely honest, where if I had a blog with actual followers (that I knew :o) I personally would not want to be completely honest (which goes back to my stressing and people pleasing, which is a whole new topic.) and I would still need a place to vent.

So. Although I feel this attempt is futile... please comment any suggestions... advice... ideas... ect. Because I want to write. And I love to write. But I also want other people to love what I write.

<3- Kathryn

Podcasts

I am obsessed with podcasts.

I'm not exactly sure what the appeal of them is... I guess the fact that I'm listening to people's personal thoughts and stuff. It's comforting.

Although it is just a little creepy that I fall asleep to them. I don't know, I guess it's just the thought that I'm with someone.

I know, I know, I'm not actually WITH the people on the podcasts. But I can hear them, and it's comforting when your lonely.

I think I need to go to therapy for my loneliness problems.

So anyways, how are you guys? I still haven't heard from very many people, which kind of makes me sad, so comment away if you would please(: As I said before anything goes!

You can also keep in touch with me on twitter at @kltune.

<3- Kathryn

P.S. I am going on this fantastic Day Zero journey, and I started another blog just for that, so check it out if you would please at http://101in1001.blogspot.com. No worries though, I will still post here!

Love

Love.

What an interesting word. There are so many definitions. So many ways to say it. So many ways to mean it. What an interesting word.

I believe our capacity to love grows as we get older. Love grows the longer you hold it in your heart.

I believe you can love... But not be in love. You can be absolutely positive that you would do anything and everything for a person... But not want to be involved romantically.

I have also conjured up my own working definition of love.

Love is being comfortable with someone. You can talk about anything. You can say whatever you want. You can agree to disagree, even on the big stuff. Love is being able to tough out the uncomfortable situations, because you find the comfort in each other.

Love is the ability to listen. Love is the ability to keep your mouth shut, even when you're dying to say something.

Love is the ability to read each other's minds. To know what the other one is thinking. All with one look.

Love.

What an interesting word.

Self-Help

Dear Blog Readers,

Are you out there? Is anyone even reading this?

Today I am going to reflect on things that I need to fix.

1. I complain so much.
Right now I am best friends with this guy named Hunter. And he has helped me come to the realization that I complain constantly. About everything. And that it gets annoying. I probably need to stop complaining.

Any suggestions on how?

2. I am too ... 
I can't really think of a word to complete this sentence except for "not-bad-ass."
Even the tiniest infraction of rules causes me to have a complete stressed-out, hyperventilating almost-breakdown. Which makes breaking the rules no fun at all.

Although this could (and should probably) be taken as a good thing, I can't help but thinking "What the hell? I'm a teenager. Shouldn't there be a part of me that want's to break the rules? Is it bad that I'm not normal?" This seriously bugs me.

3. I am to nice
People walk all over me. And then I complain about it. But then this gets annoying because I'm complaining about something that I have no guts to fix. Let's just say that this is a little bit of a problem.

So any who I am now on the road to self-help. I am working diligently on  fixing these things.

<3- Kathryn

P.S. If you read this please comment, shoot me an email (ouramazingadventure@gmail.com) or tweet me (@kltune) or follow me on twitter (@kltune.) I would just love to know that somebody out there is hearing what I have to say. Even if they completely hate it.

Nothing Better to Do

Dear readers (if you're out there),

I have realized a sad truth about myself. I have nothing better to do than sleep. Nothing.

Well, let me rephrase that. I have no initiative to do anything but sleep. I have two English papers due Monday, a test over 6 chapters of A Tale Of Two Cities Tuesday (I haven't even started reading), and Science notes to take. And yet all I want to do is lie in bed.

What does that mean? What kind of a life am I living? Why do I have no initiative? Why am I writing about this when I could be out doing things, conquering the world, and living life? Am I going to waist away into a vat of nothing-ness while everyone else I know experiences the world??

These are the questions I ask.

School

Usually I try to use my blog posts to talk about intellectual things. I try and write like an adult. Well not this time. Oh no. My dear blog readers, this blog is dedicated to school and how much it royally sucks.

School is draining. It drains my brain. See it's not even that the material is necessarily difficult, but you just try having 8+ people demand 100% of your time.

Also, there just happens to be drama between me and EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. Which is emotionally draining as well.

I am sooo over school. I'm ready to go to college. Only 3 and a half years. -.-

How is your school/job going?? Hopefully better than mine,

Goodbye for now!!
<3 - Kathryn